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| Ways to have peaceful holidays for all. |
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| Author : Diane Levy
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| Created : 20 Dec 2003
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| Last Revision : 20 Dec 2003
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Some of us face seven weeks of summer School Holidays with dread. Our internal and public monologue goes something like "How absolutely ghastly! Fifty days without relief. How on earth will I occupy them? I can't bear the thought of fifty days of fighting. Who was out to punish mothers when they thought up a long summer holiday?!"
Others of us look forward to the School and Kindergarten holidays. "Great!! No school lunches. No getting children ready in time for school. No time pressures. It is a lot of work but somehow the pressures seem less."
And holidays can be a great opportunity to pay attention to some of the behaviors that we have been too tired and too stretched to deal with during term-time. We can use the holidays to get our children's more antisocial behaviors in line so that they can start the new school year more class and playground-ready.
What do you do when your child hits other children and behaves aggressively?
The best way of stopping this behaviour is to be clear in your own mind that hitting (and while we are discussing this let's include biting, pushing, snatching and throwing and general unkindness) is an unacceptable and unjustifiable behaviour - even if "she hit me first."
Once we have that clear in our own minds, we are in a position to respond swiftly and surely to these behaviours.
For the purposes of this article, I am going to assume that the children are from the same family - ours. (We may not have permission to deal with other people's children.)
There are three ways we find out about hitting and each requires a different response.
You see one child hit another
Remove her to another room. As you are moving her, say - as quietly and calmly as you can manage - "You know that you are not allowed to hit." Then say, "I'll be back in a couple of minutes to see if you are ready to join the family again."
In taking this action right away, you are showing her that hitting is not part of acceptable behaviour in your household. If she wishes to rejoin the family, she will need to get herself into a different frame of mind. If she is finding the whole situation too difficult to deal with, you are giving her a calm space in which to take a break.
When you return ask her "Are you ready to join in?" You can tell by the way she answers, if she has calmed down or if she needs more time. If she wants to stay there, just say "You come out when you are ready" and she will join you again when she had had enough space and time.
If she hits again, even if it is five minutes later, do the same. This way, you are showing her - and anyone else witnessing - that hitting will not be tolerated in your home.
Someone comes crying to you
"She hit me." Focus on the crying one. Put and arm around her and say "How awful for you. Would a big cuddle help?" If she accepts the cuddle from you, just hold still, don't add advice, mutter soothing noises and trust that she will reach a wise decision.
We do not know what that wise decision might be. Maybe she will decide not to annoy the "hitter." Maybe she will decide to get away faster the next time. Maybe she will decide to stay near the grown-ups for a while until the child who hit is feeling less dangerous.
Unless there is blood involved, don't go and growl at the hitting child. That puts the crying one in the position of telltale instead of aggrieved.
You hear things heating up
Get in early on. If you wait for it to go away, it won't. The odds are very high that it will wind up with someone being hurt and then you will have to intervene anyway, so you might as well get up now!
It is important not to attribute blame. If you try to find out who started it, you will have to listen to the case for the prosecution, the case for the defence, all the counterclaims and you are unlikely to be any the wiser.
Much better to walk in and use a no-blame phrase and stop the war from breaking out. My favourite on-blame phrase is "This isn't working." It describes the situation well. It doesn't invite argument, though it is unlikely anyone will wait for an invitation to argue!
You may like to use diversion like "Let's all have afternoon tea."
Alternatively, you may want to teach your children that you will not accept fighting. Follow up "This isn't working" with "You go to your room. And you go to your room. I'll set the timer." Set the timer for ten minutes. At the end of ten minutes, call out "Time's up. You can come out when you are ready," and leave it to each child to decide when she is ready.
Once you have used this a few times, you can approach a potential battle scene with fairly heavy footsteps. You may be amazed to find out how often the protagonists will stop fighting, gang up on you and declare themselves to be "friends." Well, you did want them not to fight!
If you use this whenever you hear the temperature heating up between your children, they will learn one of two things. Either they will learn not to fight or they will learn to fight very quietly. Either way, you have taught them a useful skill for home, classroom and playground.
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